Panic
by Bandearg Rois
Summary: What happens when it all comes crashing down? What happens when you are so independent that you miss the people who want to help you? Chekov coming of age fic. Eventual Sulov, you have been warned.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don't even own the bartender in Chapter 2!

A/N: I was watching the movie with the commentary on, and the line about Anton really playing the fact that he lost Amanda sparked this, along with my wish to write something actually serious and real.

Warning: Angst... and alcohol... and cursing. And pre-slash. You have been warned.

Pairing: Eventual Sulov

Summary: What happens when it all comes crashing down? What happens when you are so independent that you miss the people who want to help you?

18 was the legal age for drinking planet-side, and Pavel was extremely grateful that he would be on Earth for his birthday, especially after the 96 hour marathon and he was still blaming himself, but that was okay too, because a little grief never hurt anybody. He knew intellectually that he had done all he could to save Amanda Grayson's life, but even that knowledge didn't help him much emotionally. Not when guilt and grief snarled together in a tight ball of hurt in his chest, but no one knew, not even his closest friend Hikaru, who had roomed with him the entire time at Academy.

He was going to use his new freedom to decompress, to 'cry over his liquor' so that he could continue to work and function, and so that the little ball of hurt would go away. He bought new clothing and arrived at the bar at exactly midnight. He started with a bottle of vodka.

Contrary to popular belief, being young didn't mean being innocent; his alcohol tolerance was ridiculously high, and by the time the Captain came to his table, he was still mostly sober.

"Good morning, Keptain," he said, toasting the older man with his second bottle of vodka, which was honestly shit but he was beyond caring.

"Mr. Chekov, aren't you a bit young?"

"I am 18 today, Keptain."

"Call me Jim, neither of us is on duty. And Happy Birthday."

"Then you must call me Pavel. It is my first name. Care to have a seat, Jim?" Jim sat and he smiled over his bottle as the captain took in his growing collection of empty containers. There was the first bottle of vodka, four shot glasses, three beer bottles, and five glasses.

"That's a lot of alcohol, Pavel, how are you conscious?"

"I am Russian," he replied as though that explained everything.

"So what are you trying to forget?" Jim asked him after another swig from his bottle.

"Vhy vould I vant to forget anything, Jim?" he asked, the alcohol not allowing him to keep the bitter edge out of his voice.

"Oh, I don't know, Pavel, maybe you just need to let go of some ill-placed guilt?"

"I know Wulcan vas not my fault!" he exploded quietly, draining the bottle in one long sip. "And I know that I did all I could to save Amanda's life. But you try explaining that to my subconscious, Kirk!" He must have been drunker than he thought; these outbursts weren't like him at all. "Go ahead, how can you? I vould luff to know! _How am I supposed to handle death?"_ he finished to himself in Russian, feeling defeated. The pain was rising, not falling, so he ordered another bottle.

_"Well, you aren't supposed to do it by trying to poison yourself,"_ Jim replied in perfect Russian, startling him before switching back to English. "Pavel, you neeed to talk about it. Spock and Sarek would tell you the same."

"Can I not just drown my sorrows tonight? I vill talk, I promise."

"You've had enough." He was dragged to his feet and the suddenly capped bottle placed in his hands. "Hold that."

"I may not be sober, but I am not drunk," he complained, slipping the bottle into an inside pocket of his jacket. "I need a bottle of juice. I think I vill vake Hikaru and make him drink with me so I vill not be drunk alone, da?"

"Fine, just not alone." Kirk took him back to his barracks, leaving him at the front door. He never woke Hikaru, removing the note from the door so the Asian wouldn't worry, and even bought more alcohol later on. He eventually fell unconscious after 3 more bottles and a bout of tears.

A/N: Didn't expect this to end up like this, but fear not, gentle reader, chapter 2 will be out very soon: I'm almost done writing it as well.

Let me know what you think, because this is my first time looking into the teenage psyche since I was one.


End file.
